The freedom I love

I have this idea and it just follows me around. What would an open discussion about Mormons and controversial topics of this time look like? What would it's purpose be and could it be a good thing? I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In fact, I love the term Mormon and that I fit in that catagory. The best one line description of what I love about being Mormon is that I've been blessed with peace and purpose because of it. I also love diversity in people, culture, and lifestyle. Diversity represents freedom to me and not just the freedom talked about in terms of being American. The freedom that inspires me is the freedom that God gives every man to choose his own path and make his own life. That we are each agents in charge of ourself and our own happiness. I believe that the moment this type of freedom is gone, our potential for growth and happiness in this life are gone.

One of the beliefs I cherish as a Mormon is this:

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

Truth and Tolerance

A few weeks ago I was in the library and I decided to browse the 10 cent shelf for any treasure worth at least a dime. I came across a series of religious themed books: the history of one church, the encyclopedia on that church, etc. I decided I had to have them. I felt a need to learn about religion, the history of religion, and learn more about my very own religion and as a consequence my own faith and how it lives, intertwines, and coexists with other faiths. All Christians look to Jesus Christ as their Savior. That core value unites at least all Christians and a respect for God or a higher being connects us with faiths aside from Christianity. Well I've also felt the urge to reach out. Reach out and open discussion about faith, my faith, issues of our time, and how our perspectives are alike and different. I feel daunted by this challenge I've set before myself. Yesterday Proposition 8 was overturned in California and it reignites the discussion about marriage and its definition. I read the church's news release about this and the comments afterward. I felt insulted and confused by the accusations that mormons are bigots, haters, etc. I believe that marriage is an institution ordained by God or in other words marriage is not a word with a flexible definition that a society can change. I claim this belief as my own personal right of opinion. I just as adamantly insist that EVERY man be given the same personal right to believe as they choose. Therefore I can respect the supporters of gay marriage. They have the same right as I do to live and believe as they choose. I know that one of my best friends is a dedicated supporter of gay marriage and I respect her for that. She and I may have differences that could tear apart our friendship but we do not let them because I believe we have a deeper respect for each other than that. I've wondered how she thinks of me as she knows I do not support gay marriage. I want to ask but am afraid too. It would hurt me to hear her confess she views me as a bigot or a sheep blindly following a herd with no personal thought on the direction we're headed. I guess that begs the question on how I honestly view her. Time to think some more.

The power of brownie batter

I've really surprised myself so far on the sugar detox. I knew the first hurdel was just committing and getting started so it was awesome when I got that far. The second hurdle was obviously going to be the struggle of breaking bad habits and saying NO when opportunities arose. The bad habits haven't been an issue yet since I took the cold turkey approach with 0% wiggle room. This is better for me since my biggest problem is self control once I start- aka eating the pan of brownies rather than one yummy serving.

Now, I've been happily surprised that most of the time this has been easy(so far). When I'm not eating treats and goodies I tend to have less of a appetite in general. Also by taking the treat option away I've learned to identify when and why I usually crave sugary pick-me-ups. The first urge comes in the afternoon when the kids are napping. I think this urge is connected with boredom and my own exhaustion of the day catching up to me. I start feeling sluggish and my brain automatically thinks of what treat could give me that short lived but all too appealing energy boost. Now that I am not having said pick-me-up I struggle a little but day 2 and 3 were worse than today. I don't really feel that sluggish so maybe in the long run I won't crave that pick-me-up once my body isn't used to having it at predictable times. Another great thing I'm realizing is that now when I feel hungry I'm actually eating food that fits the bill - fiber rich stuff with real nutritional value that keeps me full longer and doesn't drive me into an eating frenzy. So I'm pleased with my progress and the results so far.

In perfect fairness I'm also struggling at certain moments. First is when I look at my countdown calender and I see how many days are left. There is a little pang of "how can I go that long without chocolate?!?" To demonstrate that chocolate point I'm gonna paint a picture of how attached my mind is to SHUGA. I turned on the tube for a bit and Everybody Loves Raymond was on. HILARIOUS SHOW! Ray and Debra were arguing in the kitchen and he was holding a beater with chocolate brownie batter on it. He then flicked it and some batter landed on her face which she quickly wiped off. I lost focus on what they were talking about and my thoughts let loose.

Oh man that looks good. I think that is a walnut. Walnuts are perfect in brownies. I would lick that up slow and smooth. Savor every second. Yeah, brownie batter....whoa don't just smear that on the rag. Don't you realize what you're doing!!??!!?!??:!?!?!?!?!

Kinda funny. Kinda scary. I hope someday I can enjoy a treat on rare occasion and just enjoy it without the voice of satan harrassing me to devour everything in site.

Sleep, where doth thou hide?

Oh how I wish there was more sleep going on. Quinten is a notoriously restless sleeper and that makes for a sleepless mommy. There are lots of things I've done to contribute to the problem but it is so hard for me to ignore his cries, screams, thrashing around, wails of terror, and equally devastating wimpers of Maaaa Maaaaaaaaa. Oh he is so sweet and comforted that I've arrived to save his day but at what cost? I'm still undetermined on the whole Cry It Out method used by many or most parents. I know for sure I don't agree with it at any level before 6 months of age except when a parent is at their whits end and nothing seems to help. These cases are usually cholicy babes. Neither Q nor Ry were cholically. In fact, Ryanna has been the most amazing little sleeper since about 3 or 4 motnhs. Of course I credited myself for this wonderful skill of hers. That is until I tried the same things with Quinten and nothing has worked...so far. :) I guess the truth is that if Q was a good sleeper he would be an altogether too perfect baby and what would I learn from that!?!? When I get all the moaning and groaning out of the way I'm actually not all that bothered by the sleep situation or lack of. Mostly because I know that the days and months come and go so quickly. There is no doubt I will miss this special baby time with Quinten, maybe even miss the middle of the night moments the very most. I'm just a sleepy blessed mommy and I'd rather nothing else.

Shuga Detox

So after I posted last night I started looking around on the internet to see what the buzz is on sugar overeating, how it is approached, defined, compared to, what it does to the brain and body and what to do about it. There was plenty out there. In fact, I was pretty surprised to learn that it is a hot topic in magazines and online chat rooms, etc. In fact the term sugar addiction is pretty readily thrown around with expert so-and-so saying sugar affects the same area of the brain as addictive substances like cigarettes and drugs and other expert who's-n-what's saying kid's are serious contenders as little shuga addicts with all the juice, soda, candy, and fast-food crap they are dealt. To sum it up a little of reading all these things went a long way in motivating me.

First of all, I could easily relate to EVERYTHING that was being said about sugar addiction. I too have had some serious jonesing for a sugary treat and lately I deliver on the craving almost before it begins. Second of all, it only stands to reason that my kids are seeing me eat tons of sugary crap and even though I strictly limit their partaking, they will no doubt be affected by my terrible example. This is not what I want. Not to mention all the affects that sugar is having on my overall health, mood, and weight. SOOOOOOOOO...

I am now on a sugar detox. Oh excuse me, that's SHUGA detox. Quitting cold turkey was compared to quitting smoking cold turkey. However truth there is to that and my initial reaction is that must be quite an overstatement I have to say I think I am a better candidate for cold turkey than slow weaning. Why? Well slowly cutting back is as good as nothing for me. It requires that control to use judgement about quanitites and measurement, not my strong point. I can, however, set a boundary for myself that is completely black or white and then make myself accountable. For example, no more desserts, no more treats, no soda, none, nada, zip. This might not sound like the right approach but I believe it is my best chance at actually cleansing my system of the sugar and getting back a healthy balanced appetite. That said it could be really easy to get back to where I am if after the detox I go hog wild like it's Christmas morning rewarding myself for a goal accomplished. Counterproductive to say the least. I'll be working on writing up my rules for after the detox but I haven't planned that all out just yet. TBD. That's to be determined.

Here's the timeline. Detox from today March 9th until Q's birthday on April 3rd. I can have fruit or sugar-free gum to get me through the tough times that are sure to come. Sound silly?? Well, I know there will be withdrawal and cravings galore - that's where the gum or fruit come in to help. On April 3rd I will have one normal portion of cake and ice cream to celebrate Q's first birthday(ALREADY!) and after that I'll have some new rules to follow concerning SHUGA in my life.

I made a countdown on the fridge to cross off on my way. I also made a sign that outlines my rules and invites anyone who sees it to ask me if I'm sugar free. It is hanging on the fridge and there to remind me as well as encourage Brian to ask often. Accountability is important. So here goes.

DAY 1 (cue dramatic music that fades into a 007 theme song)..........................

Having a crazy gallbladder scared me from eating the crap I love. Actually that isn't true. I still ate most anything but I was very afraid to eat too much of it. The pain I knew could come was enough to slow me down. Those last few weeks before the surgery I hardly ate anything and that combined with the months leading up to it when I closely moniterred my diet I lost some weight. Not a ton but I noticed the difference and liked it. At the same time I felt uncomfortable about it. I kind of had this train of thought going on throughout the day about how it was only a matter of time before I'd get any chub back I had lost and just be back to normal. So it's no surprise that 2 months later I am back to my comfortable zone and I don't mean weight. Basically my weight hasn't drastically changed, maybe a few pounds up from the surgery but what I am talking about is just not trying, caring, or otherwise working towards a healthy diet. Self sabatosh is the word that comes to mind or at least a pathetic laziness when it comes to being healthy. Really I have to admit that when it comes to my diet I hold myself to no standard or in other words I succomb to my appetite with hardly any resistence. What is so ironic is that in so many other things in my life I take the opposite approach - strict obedience to what is best for myself and others around me so now as I write this it actually surprises me to think of how opposite I am when it comes to what I eat. Something is going on in my head, or my hormones, or my tummy. Whatever the case I can sum it up in a word: Sugar. In my mind that sounded more like SHUGA SHUGA SHUGA! I haven't always been this way. In fact, it has come and gone mostly in the last 4 years or shall I say during my most recent phase of life: make baby, grow baby, pop out baby, nurse baby, break.....and repeat. This is no diagnosis but it is a safe assumption that my most unstable part in that process is after I quit nursing - that's when I notice a true hormonal upheaval, especially this time around. I wonder if quitting cold turkey has contributed to the drastic emotional differences. Drastic for me anyway. What do I do when I'm in this state - it's simple actually. Feeling hormonal, feeling emotional > eat something yummy and keep eating it until it's gone. I have often thought in the last few months that it is amazing I am not 300 lbs. I'm not sure what I'm doing this for. This honesty isn't too hard but I have avoided quanitfying what I'm talking about because it is embarrassing. Jump! Alright yesterday I made a batch of choco chip cookies. I let Ryanna have 2 and Brian had a couple. That leaves me and they were all gone the same day. Saying it like that sounds so disgusting to me but during those hours or throughout that day it doesn't feel like a lot. In fact, the desire was never really satisfied. So what does this mean. I think it is obvious my body is used to having lots of sugar and so it expects it and I readily comply. Reason stands that with a period of time, days or weeks, of none of the usual sugar and junk that my body and desire could change and return to a better balance.

I gotta then ask myself. What freaks me out about eating healthier and ultimately having a trimmer body(tummy in particular)? I don't have an answer but putting it out there like it is in my mind is inviting a new voice to enter the conversation. Maybe a little voice can add some reason to these weird feelings. It wasn't anything I was willing to address before. Now I gotta ask a few things of myself.

#1. Visit my OB - figure out and learn more about hormonal health
#2. Make myself accountable by setting goals with Brian and keeping him informed on how I'm doing
#3. Do some research on sugar detoxing and how to get started

Love to the sleeping babes upstairs. Love to my superhero on a bus homebound. Love to God and my Savior. Love to myself for being honest and stepping in a healthy direction.

Hate to Admit it.....but maybe that's the first step toward change

There are only so many hours in a day and certainly not enough hours to spend any significant amount of time watching television. So true. SO TRUE! Unfortunately there are so many stinking shows that I really enjoy watching and some even that I make a point to record so I can watch them every week. These aren't every week but when the show is in the latest season, I am sure to record it and watch it. Here's the list:

Must watch
House
Ace of Cakes
Secret Life(embarrassed to admit that one)
Glee(new favorite)
LOST(final season insanity)

Usually catch
American Idol
Cake Boss
Biggest Loser
The Office
Community

Greatly enjoy but don't record so only catch occasionally
What Not To Wear
Say Yes To The Dress
Project Runway
Intervention
Hoarders
The Doctors
Dr. Oz
Let's Make a Deal

Reruns I get stuck on channel surfing
Everybody Loves Raymond
King of Queens
Seinfeld
Full House

Alright - that's enough self exposure. I think the thing about TV is that it is easy. It leaves you FEELING engaged but obviously little else is gained. It definitely fits in the "only in moderation" category. Looking over this list I realize how big a waste it all is. I am very strict with Ryanna - limiting her time watching TV but it's about time I set some boundaries for myself.

I love to laugh and I love to learn about other people's lives and coping mechanisms. Time to get that from the REAL people around me. :)

Love.