Having a crazy gallbladder scared me from eating the crap I love. Actually that isn't true. I still ate most anything but I was very afraid to eat too much of it. The pain I knew could come was enough to slow me down. Those last few weeks before the surgery I hardly ate anything and that combined with the months leading up to it when I closely moniterred my diet I lost some weight. Not a ton but I noticed the difference and liked it. At the same time I felt uncomfortable about it. I kind of had this train of thought going on throughout the day about how it was only a matter of time before I'd get any chub back I had lost and just be back to normal. So it's no surprise that 2 months later I am back to my comfortable zone and I don't mean weight. Basically my weight hasn't drastically changed, maybe a few pounds up from the surgery but what I am talking about is just not trying, caring, or otherwise working towards a healthy diet. Self sabatosh is the word that comes to mind or at least a pathetic laziness when it comes to being healthy. Really I have to admit that when it comes to my diet I hold myself to no standard or in other words I succomb to my appetite with hardly any resistence. What is so ironic is that in so many other things in my life I take the opposite approach - strict obedience to what is best for myself and others around me so now as I write this it actually surprises me to think of how opposite I am when it comes to what I eat. Something is going on in my head, or my hormones, or my tummy. Whatever the case I can sum it up in a word: Sugar. In my mind that sounded more like SHUGA SHUGA SHUGA! I haven't always been this way. In fact, it has come and gone mostly in the last 4 years or shall I say during my most recent phase of life: make baby, grow baby, pop out baby, nurse baby, break.....and repeat. This is no diagnosis but it is a safe assumption that my most unstable part in that process is after I quit nursing - that's when I notice a true hormonal upheaval, especially this time around. I wonder if quitting cold turkey has contributed to the drastic emotional differences. Drastic for me anyway. What do I do when I'm in this state - it's simple actually. Feeling hormonal, feeling emotional > eat something yummy and keep eating it until it's gone. I have often thought in the last few months that it is amazing I am not 300 lbs. I'm not sure what I'm doing this for. This honesty isn't too hard but I have avoided quanitfying what I'm talking about because it is embarrassing. Jump! Alright yesterday I made a batch of choco chip cookies. I let Ryanna have 2 and Brian had a couple. That leaves me and they were all gone the same day. Saying it like that sounds so disgusting to me but during those hours or throughout that day it doesn't feel like a lot. In fact, the desire was never really satisfied. So what does this mean. I think it is obvious my body is used to having lots of sugar and so it expects it and I readily comply. Reason stands that with a period of time, days or weeks, of none of the usual sugar and junk that my body and desire could change and return to a better balance.

I gotta then ask myself. What freaks me out about eating healthier and ultimately having a trimmer body(tummy in particular)? I don't have an answer but putting it out there like it is in my mind is inviting a new voice to enter the conversation. Maybe a little voice can add some reason to these weird feelings. It wasn't anything I was willing to address before. Now I gotta ask a few things of myself.

#1. Visit my OB - figure out and learn more about hormonal health
#2. Make myself accountable by setting goals with Brian and keeping him informed on how I'm doing
#3. Do some research on sugar detoxing and how to get started

Love to the sleeping babes upstairs. Love to my superhero on a bus homebound. Love to God and my Savior. Love to myself for being honest and stepping in a healthy direction.