The power of brownie batter

I've really surprised myself so far on the sugar detox. I knew the first hurdel was just committing and getting started so it was awesome when I got that far. The second hurdle was obviously going to be the struggle of breaking bad habits and saying NO when opportunities arose. The bad habits haven't been an issue yet since I took the cold turkey approach with 0% wiggle room. This is better for me since my biggest problem is self control once I start- aka eating the pan of brownies rather than one yummy serving.

Now, I've been happily surprised that most of the time this has been easy(so far). When I'm not eating treats and goodies I tend to have less of a appetite in general. Also by taking the treat option away I've learned to identify when and why I usually crave sugary pick-me-ups. The first urge comes in the afternoon when the kids are napping. I think this urge is connected with boredom and my own exhaustion of the day catching up to me. I start feeling sluggish and my brain automatically thinks of what treat could give me that short lived but all too appealing energy boost. Now that I am not having said pick-me-up I struggle a little but day 2 and 3 were worse than today. I don't really feel that sluggish so maybe in the long run I won't crave that pick-me-up once my body isn't used to having it at predictable times. Another great thing I'm realizing is that now when I feel hungry I'm actually eating food that fits the bill - fiber rich stuff with real nutritional value that keeps me full longer and doesn't drive me into an eating frenzy. So I'm pleased with my progress and the results so far.

In perfect fairness I'm also struggling at certain moments. First is when I look at my countdown calender and I see how many days are left. There is a little pang of "how can I go that long without chocolate?!?" To demonstrate that chocolate point I'm gonna paint a picture of how attached my mind is to SHUGA. I turned on the tube for a bit and Everybody Loves Raymond was on. HILARIOUS SHOW! Ray and Debra were arguing in the kitchen and he was holding a beater with chocolate brownie batter on it. He then flicked it and some batter landed on her face which she quickly wiped off. I lost focus on what they were talking about and my thoughts let loose.

Oh man that looks good. I think that is a walnut. Walnuts are perfect in brownies. I would lick that up slow and smooth. Savor every second. Yeah, brownie batter....whoa don't just smear that on the rag. Don't you realize what you're doing!!??!!?!??:!?!?!?!?!

Kinda funny. Kinda scary. I hope someday I can enjoy a treat on rare occasion and just enjoy it without the voice of satan harrassing me to devour everything in site.

Sleep, where doth thou hide?

Oh how I wish there was more sleep going on. Quinten is a notoriously restless sleeper and that makes for a sleepless mommy. There are lots of things I've done to contribute to the problem but it is so hard for me to ignore his cries, screams, thrashing around, wails of terror, and equally devastating wimpers of Maaaa Maaaaaaaaa. Oh he is so sweet and comforted that I've arrived to save his day but at what cost? I'm still undetermined on the whole Cry It Out method used by many or most parents. I know for sure I don't agree with it at any level before 6 months of age except when a parent is at their whits end and nothing seems to help. These cases are usually cholicy babes. Neither Q nor Ry were cholically. In fact, Ryanna has been the most amazing little sleeper since about 3 or 4 motnhs. Of course I credited myself for this wonderful skill of hers. That is until I tried the same things with Quinten and nothing has worked...so far. :) I guess the truth is that if Q was a good sleeper he would be an altogether too perfect baby and what would I learn from that!?!? When I get all the moaning and groaning out of the way I'm actually not all that bothered by the sleep situation or lack of. Mostly because I know that the days and months come and go so quickly. There is no doubt I will miss this special baby time with Quinten, maybe even miss the middle of the night moments the very most. I'm just a sleepy blessed mommy and I'd rather nothing else.

Shuga Detox

So after I posted last night I started looking around on the internet to see what the buzz is on sugar overeating, how it is approached, defined, compared to, what it does to the brain and body and what to do about it. There was plenty out there. In fact, I was pretty surprised to learn that it is a hot topic in magazines and online chat rooms, etc. In fact the term sugar addiction is pretty readily thrown around with expert so-and-so saying sugar affects the same area of the brain as addictive substances like cigarettes and drugs and other expert who's-n-what's saying kid's are serious contenders as little shuga addicts with all the juice, soda, candy, and fast-food crap they are dealt. To sum it up a little of reading all these things went a long way in motivating me.

First of all, I could easily relate to EVERYTHING that was being said about sugar addiction. I too have had some serious jonesing for a sugary treat and lately I deliver on the craving almost before it begins. Second of all, it only stands to reason that my kids are seeing me eat tons of sugary crap and even though I strictly limit their partaking, they will no doubt be affected by my terrible example. This is not what I want. Not to mention all the affects that sugar is having on my overall health, mood, and weight. SOOOOOOOOO...

I am now on a sugar detox. Oh excuse me, that's SHUGA detox. Quitting cold turkey was compared to quitting smoking cold turkey. However truth there is to that and my initial reaction is that must be quite an overstatement I have to say I think I am a better candidate for cold turkey than slow weaning. Why? Well slowly cutting back is as good as nothing for me. It requires that control to use judgement about quanitites and measurement, not my strong point. I can, however, set a boundary for myself that is completely black or white and then make myself accountable. For example, no more desserts, no more treats, no soda, none, nada, zip. This might not sound like the right approach but I believe it is my best chance at actually cleansing my system of the sugar and getting back a healthy balanced appetite. That said it could be really easy to get back to where I am if after the detox I go hog wild like it's Christmas morning rewarding myself for a goal accomplished. Counterproductive to say the least. I'll be working on writing up my rules for after the detox but I haven't planned that all out just yet. TBD. That's to be determined.

Here's the timeline. Detox from today March 9th until Q's birthday on April 3rd. I can have fruit or sugar-free gum to get me through the tough times that are sure to come. Sound silly?? Well, I know there will be withdrawal and cravings galore - that's where the gum or fruit come in to help. On April 3rd I will have one normal portion of cake and ice cream to celebrate Q's first birthday(ALREADY!) and after that I'll have some new rules to follow concerning SHUGA in my life.

I made a countdown on the fridge to cross off on my way. I also made a sign that outlines my rules and invites anyone who sees it to ask me if I'm sugar free. It is hanging on the fridge and there to remind me as well as encourage Brian to ask often. Accountability is important. So here goes.

DAY 1 (cue dramatic music that fades into a 007 theme song)..........................

Having a crazy gallbladder scared me from eating the crap I love. Actually that isn't true. I still ate most anything but I was very afraid to eat too much of it. The pain I knew could come was enough to slow me down. Those last few weeks before the surgery I hardly ate anything and that combined with the months leading up to it when I closely moniterred my diet I lost some weight. Not a ton but I noticed the difference and liked it. At the same time I felt uncomfortable about it. I kind of had this train of thought going on throughout the day about how it was only a matter of time before I'd get any chub back I had lost and just be back to normal. So it's no surprise that 2 months later I am back to my comfortable zone and I don't mean weight. Basically my weight hasn't drastically changed, maybe a few pounds up from the surgery but what I am talking about is just not trying, caring, or otherwise working towards a healthy diet. Self sabatosh is the word that comes to mind or at least a pathetic laziness when it comes to being healthy. Really I have to admit that when it comes to my diet I hold myself to no standard or in other words I succomb to my appetite with hardly any resistence. What is so ironic is that in so many other things in my life I take the opposite approach - strict obedience to what is best for myself and others around me so now as I write this it actually surprises me to think of how opposite I am when it comes to what I eat. Something is going on in my head, or my hormones, or my tummy. Whatever the case I can sum it up in a word: Sugar. In my mind that sounded more like SHUGA SHUGA SHUGA! I haven't always been this way. In fact, it has come and gone mostly in the last 4 years or shall I say during my most recent phase of life: make baby, grow baby, pop out baby, nurse baby, break.....and repeat. This is no diagnosis but it is a safe assumption that my most unstable part in that process is after I quit nursing - that's when I notice a true hormonal upheaval, especially this time around. I wonder if quitting cold turkey has contributed to the drastic emotional differences. Drastic for me anyway. What do I do when I'm in this state - it's simple actually. Feeling hormonal, feeling emotional > eat something yummy and keep eating it until it's gone. I have often thought in the last few months that it is amazing I am not 300 lbs. I'm not sure what I'm doing this for. This honesty isn't too hard but I have avoided quanitfying what I'm talking about because it is embarrassing. Jump! Alright yesterday I made a batch of choco chip cookies. I let Ryanna have 2 and Brian had a couple. That leaves me and they were all gone the same day. Saying it like that sounds so disgusting to me but during those hours or throughout that day it doesn't feel like a lot. In fact, the desire was never really satisfied. So what does this mean. I think it is obvious my body is used to having lots of sugar and so it expects it and I readily comply. Reason stands that with a period of time, days or weeks, of none of the usual sugar and junk that my body and desire could change and return to a better balance.

I gotta then ask myself. What freaks me out about eating healthier and ultimately having a trimmer body(tummy in particular)? I don't have an answer but putting it out there like it is in my mind is inviting a new voice to enter the conversation. Maybe a little voice can add some reason to these weird feelings. It wasn't anything I was willing to address before. Now I gotta ask a few things of myself.

#1. Visit my OB - figure out and learn more about hormonal health
#2. Make myself accountable by setting goals with Brian and keeping him informed on how I'm doing
#3. Do some research on sugar detoxing and how to get started

Love to the sleeping babes upstairs. Love to my superhero on a bus homebound. Love to God and my Savior. Love to myself for being honest and stepping in a healthy direction.

Hate to Admit it.....but maybe that's the first step toward change

There are only so many hours in a day and certainly not enough hours to spend any significant amount of time watching television. So true. SO TRUE! Unfortunately there are so many stinking shows that I really enjoy watching and some even that I make a point to record so I can watch them every week. These aren't every week but when the show is in the latest season, I am sure to record it and watch it. Here's the list:

Must watch
House
Ace of Cakes
Secret Life(embarrassed to admit that one)
Glee(new favorite)
LOST(final season insanity)

Usually catch
American Idol
Cake Boss
Biggest Loser
The Office
Community

Greatly enjoy but don't record so only catch occasionally
What Not To Wear
Say Yes To The Dress
Project Runway
Intervention
Hoarders
The Doctors
Dr. Oz
Let's Make a Deal

Reruns I get stuck on channel surfing
Everybody Loves Raymond
King of Queens
Seinfeld
Full House

Alright - that's enough self exposure. I think the thing about TV is that it is easy. It leaves you FEELING engaged but obviously little else is gained. It definitely fits in the "only in moderation" category. Looking over this list I realize how big a waste it all is. I am very strict with Ryanna - limiting her time watching TV but it's about time I set some boundaries for myself.

I love to laugh and I love to learn about other people's lives and coping mechanisms. Time to get that from the REAL people around me. :)

Love.

Papercut

At least that's all I can think it might be. There is a cut on the tip of my right index finger. Every stroke typing with that finger kind of makes me wince and say owwie. I really wanted to get on here and type but I can't get past this little pang of pain as I type. It pretty much makes ma a wimp but I honestly haven't thought of anything else I'd like to type about tonight. I think maybe it's getting infected for as sore as it is. Sigh. Guess I oughta bust out the antiseptic.

Confession. There is one soapbox I've thought about today: Daycare. That isn't the confession. The confession is that I started this blog to have a free place to express my feelings just how they are without thinking about anyone else really. Not to put anyone in any place. More just a place I can use a keyboard to clear my mind and use my mind and voice in a way that reminds me of the individual that I am. So to further my confession I have to admit I have already started editing myself just knowing my blog is not private and that it is in my name and linked to my profile along with our family blog. Well my gut says it's okay and necessary for me to let this be what I need it to be. So for now I'm gonna just take off the comments option. So this is a blog that the world could see if they really cared to but when I write it is just like it says: gotta write to get my mind back.

What a funny lady I am. That all was going to be an intro for me to vent about the daycare issue. A woman running a daycare here in Utah who abused children and her latest victim suffered brain damage. Makes me sick to say the least. I no longer feel the need to expand on that soapbox. What I really worked out was my issue with why I hesitated to take that on and a new resolve to keep with the original plan. Write for myself. Personal reminder of my individuality.

Great day: Q is taking his first steps!!! I'm not sure who is most excited about this development because we are all pretty excited about it. Now I gotta get the video camera out. It feels like Quinten is changing before my eyes and really growing up. Tonight when Bri got home we were all pretending to be scary cats. You heard me right. Ryanna, Bri, and I were all taking turns being scary. I went in the kitchen to do kitchenly things. Bri and Ryanna were still taking turns being scary. In a moment when they both quit, Quinten let out with a huge RRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!! He was so right there and part of the action. A little while later I was in on the living room floor with Ryanna on my lap after a stub of her toe. Quinten crawled over and climbed right up onto Ryanna chanting NA NA NA NA and planted a kiss right on her face. He adores her to no end, even when she isn't being quite so sweet in return. He is a special boy and from a very young age I could feel that one of his greatest strengths is to be happy and positive. It's like he instinctively sees the best in any situation. Already! I love him and enjoy every slobbery, boogery kiss.

Ryanna: I am amazed at how smoothly this round of potty training is going. Without detail I'll say she now proudly poops on the potty, a HUGE obstacle overcome. Every other time we tried I have to say, it was a struggle and definitly fit the description of "training" - this time it's like she just decided it was time and so very little training has been involved. I know certain roadbumps may come along the way but today especially I felt so proud of my girl. I knew she could do it, that she was capable. I was so frustrated at her unwillingness to try and haunted by a feeling like I was failing her somehow. Don't know what I mean or think that is silly?? Well I think it is just part of the parenthood mommy chip in our brain. Though unreasonable we often blaim ourselves or find normal complications to be a personal failure. That aside I can say I feel a great load off my shoulders and mommy chip mind having had 7 days in panties with only 1 accident in the last 4 days. It's also funny how that one thing (panties versus diapers) makes your child grow up a whole bunch, all of the sudden. She is using phrases I swear she didn't use before panties. Example: "Mother you may sit with me if you like." or "It's okay sweet Quinten boy. I'll take care of you." So the final plunge from toddler to little girl has taken place in the form of big girl panties. Everyday we talk about what we will do "when the snow melts." This spring will be full of walks, parks, and sunshine: these are a few of our favorite things! Yesterday Ryanna wore a pink summery spring outfit with Jeans on underneath. She is as starved for the spirit of spring as I am and I fully intend on enjoying it with my little colorful pink girl.

Hubby: I appreciate that I married a manly man. Some days not so much but today I really enjoyed it. We only had a few moments to connect but my favorite was tonight. He'd been home 20 minutes or so and had mostly spent that time playing with the kids on the floor. He'd finally plopped in the recliner and turned the TV on to relax. The kids were temporarily not climbing all over him so I sauntered over and asked him (with my eyes mind you, we rarely have to use words to communicate basic things;) if I could curl up on his lap. With a little nod I curled up on his lap. It was brief and it was simple but so nice. I love him so moments like that are rejuvinating, like a little payoff at the end of a day full of the blessed exhaustion of motherhood. We're a team and I still like to curl up on his lap for a hug. We also tried a round of rock paper scissors to see who would put the kids to bed. I didn't really tell him that was what it was for and I hadn't forseen that I would lose so it was disappointing to answer his question of what he had just won. That backfired - hehe.

Well I feel like I can go to bed now. Go join that snoring handsome guy. And I stand by my feeling that he and I are lucky to have each other. It's not enough to say that marriage isn't perfect or that it is a risk. Both statements are true. I know that elements of my future are out of my control but I can say with ease that today I don't have to search for the good or our accomplishments. Ryanna says her prayers without our help now. When I think of our prayertime before bed I smile. I truly am blessed with a beautiful family and I know it is at the hands of a loving Heavenly Father. Love to he and my brother Jesus Christ. Love to my handsome Bri. Love to two beautiful children. Love to myself this night. Lucky to have love and what do you know, I haven't thought about that papercut once in the last half hour I was writing.