Over dishes

I'm pretty dedicated to avoiding the dishes but something interesting happened tonight when I got going on them. Bri and the kiddos in bed and stacks of dishes calling my name. Well tonight my mind used the time to get creative and make a list of writing projects I need to do. I even wrote a few pages in my head. Too bad I don't have a print button. So I thought I better record the list somewhere so I can return to it.

1. Blog or forum on religion. I see this as a journey I am meant to go on learning about history really and the role religion has played in it. I'm not sure I can put it into words until I get going but I believe the heart of it is learning about the puzzle pieces and putting them together. Another purpose is to connect with other people of all types of faith. This desire is two-fold. First of all, as a Mormon I want to do my part to help others understand what we believe and by doing so help address misconceptions about our faith. Second, I believe the journey of learning about other people, times, cultures, and religion will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, making me a more worthy and perhaps helpful servant and disciple.

2. A book dedicated to and about Grandpa Don. While I think it would include a life history I feel that the focus of the book would be stories from people who knew him, his family and friends. This project feels special and important to me. It also would be a big one. To do it justice I would need to spend time visiting and recording stories from family and friends in the area where Grandpa grew up as well as the many stories that could be gathered in Montana. To take it a step at a time I think the first thing I need to do is decide when to go on those journeys and not set a time line up for the actual project of writing the book.

3. The journals that Grandma Blanche wrote about Grandma Pat are unique and special. There is a story of love and motherhood simply by their existance. This project too is a biggie. It feels like time is ticking away to really do this properly and to start it would mean spending some time with Grandma listening to her talk about her mother. I want to tell the story of Grandma's life through the eyes or using the journals as the avenue to do so.

The worth of Maternal care dwarfs the benefit of a wealthy lifestyle.

The story on this blog http://www.mbhfundraising.blogspot.com/ has inspired me to speak up for Mothers, who the weight of this world rests on. In particular I speak about the worth of Stay-At-Home mothers.

Is my "career choice" at this time as a stay-at-home mother a waste as some have put it? A "waste of potential" as I've been told by a sincere but altogether too feminist for my taste friend. I CHOOSE to sacrifice a paycheck in order to become my children's life. To be the constant source of love, patience, and example. Not everyone can or desires this path BUT I DO and I believe that my sacrifice at this time is not only worth it but is a divine mission. I'll be damned if a judge rules a mother who has chosen to stay home with her children as unqualified to raise her children because at the time of the divorce her financial prospects pale in comparison to her husbands 6 figure income.

I was raised in a modest home where stories are told of occasional bare cupboards and starving brothers scraping raisons off the floor to curb their hunger. Of course noone remembers this version of events except them but still it is fair to say we survived without luxury and nothing went to waste though my parents chose never to seek financial assistance. Over the years financial status improved due to living a practical lifestyle within the means earned. Six figure income? How about middle-lower class in Montana.

MY POINT: I grew up in a home full of love and committment from my parents. I learned to work hard, be practical, and seek loving relationships. After leaving home the natural path for me was to hope one day to have children of my own, a home where I could share the kind of love I'd felt my entire life. Meeting Brian started me on that path, much earlier than I expected I must admit, but I've felt a divine power guiding our life since then. What could I possibly mean by that you may ask? Well I'm 27 with 2 young kids. I have the power to make or break their world with my words, attitude, and sincere attempt at raising them to be the real deal; people who reach out around them in this world to lift and think beyond themselves.

If I accomplish this divine mission then my lack of a luxurious lifestyle to give them doesn't matter. In fact, it never did matter. It is the care, love, time, and respect we show our children that determines our worth as parents. No mother should lose her children because she cannot offer a 6 figure income. They may gain the whole world but never grow a heart to feel for humanity or eyes to see the good they can do through kindness.

Each divine creation

Where is moral fiber? There was a time when faith or at least respect in a higher being was a universal feeling.

I've felt an urge lately to write. I don't know why but my mind has been busy in an effort to put words to my feelings, hopes, and deepest personal thoughts.

Lately this has been focused on the issue of faith and its place in every man's life. It might sound confusing but I am not talking about religion though I know that religion has an important place in our lives and societies.

I guess what I'm really pondering is the need for every man to feel a connection to his or her creator; to find a peace at their given life, place in time, and purpose on earth. That is the beginning and a mission I feel confident every man must pursue on an individual basis.

This comes before religion because it is what is accessible to every man on the earth no matter his circumstance, background, gender, social status, successes, failures, talents, or weaknesses.

Where did this world come from? What is gained from denying the divine and amazing beauty of this universe and its delicate balance?

Science is God's hand whose power is not magic but a command and order of the matter and making of this world. To call God the greatest scientist is filing him in a catagory of men whose pursuit has been to understand life's order. No. He is no scientist but he is the master that they seek apprenticeship from.

The lines we draw

The lines that divide us only exist in our own minds. I have no quota on how many or what kind of people I can call cherished friend or valuable aquaintence. I do not see my religion or heritage as a safe place to huddle by only reaching out to those who share it. The autrocities that have happened in this world were led by a few evil men and followed through by the followers who believed in the lines or boundaries they were taught.

How many Germans felt trapped when the reality of their new world order sunk in? Probably many had no idea that children were burned, intelligent and loved human beings were beaten and valued less than cast off cattle. But when they did realize it did they still draw that line between themselves and the pitied but nonetheless inferior jew? That glow of humanity that gave them the gift of guilt, did it erase that line? Or was it only more confusing to know that the genocide of an entire people was wrong but unexplainably deserved as they'd been told and believed?

Prejudice, hate, war, genocide: only exisit because the majority allow fear a place in their heart. Fear of what is different and misunderstood. This fear is the father of the lines we draw.

We as a human race.
We as different nationalities and cultures.
We as Americans.
We as white skinned people.
We as conservative middle class country folk.
We as Utah christians.
We as Mormons.
Myself as wife, mother, friend, and thinking Vernal citizen.
Do these catagories draw lines that divide us?

Only if we believe they exist. I refuse to let that fear into my heart. I am no different from any other human who has lived before or who will live after me on this earth. Unique, yes. But no different in the eyes of God.

Peace more tangible than the clothes on my back

I accept that there will never be world peace on this earth. As long as it is inhabited by mortal, carnal humans there will be war, suffering, and sadness throughout our world. This comes down to two things in my opinion that there is really only one solution to. First the absense of respect for self and others. The second is the lack of compassion and warmth for others. The only solution for our world is to embrace a compassionate lifestyle focused on respect for others and self. This is what the Gospel of Jesus Christ preaches, to strive to live like Jesus Christ lived while on this earth.

When I think about Christ I know he was a man who had a special ability to love everyone regardless of the choices they made or lifestyle they lived. His compassion was unconditional. I've heard the phrase to "love the sinner and not the sin." This phrase carries a negative connotation because it is labeling the subject as in the wrong or in the word as a sinner. It does carry a strong accusatory and negative tone in the way that our society approaches humanity and I can see why. Who am I to call another person a sinner? Who am I to put my lifestyle choices above another, one being correct and another sinful? Simply put I do not feel I have any right to do so. But in regards to life choices I disagree with, I believe a higher authority has set these boundaries on morality and I've chosen a life of faith in that authority and His divine boundaries or commandments. I  could not claim to have such faith if I did not equally proclaim that it is my responsibility to show unconditional love and compassion to all man regardless of their faith, lifestyle, or perspective. It is my responsibility to respect the agency and freedom to choose that every individual claims. Christianity is not Christianity by a person who only follows every outward commandment. The prerequesite for any Christian is an ability to love and respect one's fellowman as closely as possible to Jesus Christ; a lifetime of striving in these inward matters will outweigh any display of outward obedience though both are significant in our relationship with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

I feel great comfort in knowing that Jesus Christ is a perfect judge. He knows every individual heart. His perspective and understanding exceed any mortal understanding we can have. It bothers me to have feelings unresolved; to not be able to put into words my sincere caring for those who are hurt by my beliefs. But in the end I know who it is that I trust and I know that He is a perfect judge of not only my heart but of every man. At the end of the day I can feel peace in knowing that, and that peace is tangible and real; more than the physical matter around me. After all this life is really only shadows and our real life has not yet begun.

Sometimes all there is in common is respect

I have to admit I want to find a sugar coated way to discuss same gender attraction, marriage, and what I believe, with those who have an opposite or different viewpoint. I have never enjoyed conflict and dislike the idea of not being liked much less being hated or despised. But what stands ahead of those feelings are what I know to be true. I know that God's ways are not man's ways. When it comes down to it there is line drawn between those who look to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to guide their life and those who for their own reasons choose to live their life here on earth without that influence. The one way naturally can't understand the other. It never surprises me to hear someone scoff the outdated, old fashioned, and seemingly blind people of faith. If you have never felt the peace and sacred experiences of being guided and influenced by the Spirit of God then you simply can't understand. It wouldn't make sense to follow something you've only ever heard about but never yourself felt. Of course anyone with an open heart can know for themselves what that feels like but that takes an open heart and the humility to turn to your maker in sincere prayer. And that is something every man gets to choose for himself.

What I return to however is the demand that all must conform to the current push to legalize marriage as having a genderless definition. I hear the demands that I change my beliefs in the name of discrimiation but I see that very demand as a discrimination of my beliefs. It may be that all we will have in common is the choice to respect each other and our rights to choose for ouselves our vote, opinion, and voice.

The freedom I love

I have this idea and it just follows me around. What would an open discussion about Mormons and controversial topics of this time look like? What would it's purpose be and could it be a good thing? I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In fact, I love the term Mormon and that I fit in that catagory. The best one line description of what I love about being Mormon is that I've been blessed with peace and purpose because of it. I also love diversity in people, culture, and lifestyle. Diversity represents freedom to me and not just the freedom talked about in terms of being American. The freedom that inspires me is the freedom that God gives every man to choose his own path and make his own life. That we are each agents in charge of ourself and our own happiness. I believe that the moment this type of freedom is gone, our potential for growth and happiness in this life are gone.

One of the beliefs I cherish as a Mormon is this:

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

Truth and Tolerance

A few weeks ago I was in the library and I decided to browse the 10 cent shelf for any treasure worth at least a dime. I came across a series of religious themed books: the history of one church, the encyclopedia on that church, etc. I decided I had to have them. I felt a need to learn about religion, the history of religion, and learn more about my very own religion and as a consequence my own faith and how it lives, intertwines, and coexists with other faiths. All Christians look to Jesus Christ as their Savior. That core value unites at least all Christians and a respect for God or a higher being connects us with faiths aside from Christianity. Well I've also felt the urge to reach out. Reach out and open discussion about faith, my faith, issues of our time, and how our perspectives are alike and different. I feel daunted by this challenge I've set before myself. Yesterday Proposition 8 was overturned in California and it reignites the discussion about marriage and its definition. I read the church's news release about this and the comments afterward. I felt insulted and confused by the accusations that mormons are bigots, haters, etc. I believe that marriage is an institution ordained by God or in other words marriage is not a word with a flexible definition that a society can change. I claim this belief as my own personal right of opinion. I just as adamantly insist that EVERY man be given the same personal right to believe as they choose. Therefore I can respect the supporters of gay marriage. They have the same right as I do to live and believe as they choose. I know that one of my best friends is a dedicated supporter of gay marriage and I respect her for that. She and I may have differences that could tear apart our friendship but we do not let them because I believe we have a deeper respect for each other than that. I've wondered how she thinks of me as she knows I do not support gay marriage. I want to ask but am afraid too. It would hurt me to hear her confess she views me as a bigot or a sheep blindly following a herd with no personal thought on the direction we're headed. I guess that begs the question on how I honestly view her. Time to think some more.

The power of brownie batter

I've really surprised myself so far on the sugar detox. I knew the first hurdel was just committing and getting started so it was awesome when I got that far. The second hurdle was obviously going to be the struggle of breaking bad habits and saying NO when opportunities arose. The bad habits haven't been an issue yet since I took the cold turkey approach with 0% wiggle room. This is better for me since my biggest problem is self control once I start- aka eating the pan of brownies rather than one yummy serving.

Now, I've been happily surprised that most of the time this has been easy(so far). When I'm not eating treats and goodies I tend to have less of a appetite in general. Also by taking the treat option away I've learned to identify when and why I usually crave sugary pick-me-ups. The first urge comes in the afternoon when the kids are napping. I think this urge is connected with boredom and my own exhaustion of the day catching up to me. I start feeling sluggish and my brain automatically thinks of what treat could give me that short lived but all too appealing energy boost. Now that I am not having said pick-me-up I struggle a little but day 2 and 3 were worse than today. I don't really feel that sluggish so maybe in the long run I won't crave that pick-me-up once my body isn't used to having it at predictable times. Another great thing I'm realizing is that now when I feel hungry I'm actually eating food that fits the bill - fiber rich stuff with real nutritional value that keeps me full longer and doesn't drive me into an eating frenzy. So I'm pleased with my progress and the results so far.

In perfect fairness I'm also struggling at certain moments. First is when I look at my countdown calender and I see how many days are left. There is a little pang of "how can I go that long without chocolate?!?" To demonstrate that chocolate point I'm gonna paint a picture of how attached my mind is to SHUGA. I turned on the tube for a bit and Everybody Loves Raymond was on. HILARIOUS SHOW! Ray and Debra were arguing in the kitchen and he was holding a beater with chocolate brownie batter on it. He then flicked it and some batter landed on her face which she quickly wiped off. I lost focus on what they were talking about and my thoughts let loose.

Oh man that looks good. I think that is a walnut. Walnuts are perfect in brownies. I would lick that up slow and smooth. Savor every second. Yeah, brownie batter....whoa don't just smear that on the rag. Don't you realize what you're doing!!??!!?!??:!?!?!?!?!

Kinda funny. Kinda scary. I hope someday I can enjoy a treat on rare occasion and just enjoy it without the voice of satan harrassing me to devour everything in site.

Sleep, where doth thou hide?

Oh how I wish there was more sleep going on. Quinten is a notoriously restless sleeper and that makes for a sleepless mommy. There are lots of things I've done to contribute to the problem but it is so hard for me to ignore his cries, screams, thrashing around, wails of terror, and equally devastating wimpers of Maaaa Maaaaaaaaa. Oh he is so sweet and comforted that I've arrived to save his day but at what cost? I'm still undetermined on the whole Cry It Out method used by many or most parents. I know for sure I don't agree with it at any level before 6 months of age except when a parent is at their whits end and nothing seems to help. These cases are usually cholicy babes. Neither Q nor Ry were cholically. In fact, Ryanna has been the most amazing little sleeper since about 3 or 4 motnhs. Of course I credited myself for this wonderful skill of hers. That is until I tried the same things with Quinten and nothing has worked...so far. :) I guess the truth is that if Q was a good sleeper he would be an altogether too perfect baby and what would I learn from that!?!? When I get all the moaning and groaning out of the way I'm actually not all that bothered by the sleep situation or lack of. Mostly because I know that the days and months come and go so quickly. There is no doubt I will miss this special baby time with Quinten, maybe even miss the middle of the night moments the very most. I'm just a sleepy blessed mommy and I'd rather nothing else.

Shuga Detox

So after I posted last night I started looking around on the internet to see what the buzz is on sugar overeating, how it is approached, defined, compared to, what it does to the brain and body and what to do about it. There was plenty out there. In fact, I was pretty surprised to learn that it is a hot topic in magazines and online chat rooms, etc. In fact the term sugar addiction is pretty readily thrown around with expert so-and-so saying sugar affects the same area of the brain as addictive substances like cigarettes and drugs and other expert who's-n-what's saying kid's are serious contenders as little shuga addicts with all the juice, soda, candy, and fast-food crap they are dealt. To sum it up a little of reading all these things went a long way in motivating me.

First of all, I could easily relate to EVERYTHING that was being said about sugar addiction. I too have had some serious jonesing for a sugary treat and lately I deliver on the craving almost before it begins. Second of all, it only stands to reason that my kids are seeing me eat tons of sugary crap and even though I strictly limit their partaking, they will no doubt be affected by my terrible example. This is not what I want. Not to mention all the affects that sugar is having on my overall health, mood, and weight. SOOOOOOOOO...

I am now on a sugar detox. Oh excuse me, that's SHUGA detox. Quitting cold turkey was compared to quitting smoking cold turkey. However truth there is to that and my initial reaction is that must be quite an overstatement I have to say I think I am a better candidate for cold turkey than slow weaning. Why? Well slowly cutting back is as good as nothing for me. It requires that control to use judgement about quanitites and measurement, not my strong point. I can, however, set a boundary for myself that is completely black or white and then make myself accountable. For example, no more desserts, no more treats, no soda, none, nada, zip. This might not sound like the right approach but I believe it is my best chance at actually cleansing my system of the sugar and getting back a healthy balanced appetite. That said it could be really easy to get back to where I am if after the detox I go hog wild like it's Christmas morning rewarding myself for a goal accomplished. Counterproductive to say the least. I'll be working on writing up my rules for after the detox but I haven't planned that all out just yet. TBD. That's to be determined.

Here's the timeline. Detox from today March 9th until Q's birthday on April 3rd. I can have fruit or sugar-free gum to get me through the tough times that are sure to come. Sound silly?? Well, I know there will be withdrawal and cravings galore - that's where the gum or fruit come in to help. On April 3rd I will have one normal portion of cake and ice cream to celebrate Q's first birthday(ALREADY!) and after that I'll have some new rules to follow concerning SHUGA in my life.

I made a countdown on the fridge to cross off on my way. I also made a sign that outlines my rules and invites anyone who sees it to ask me if I'm sugar free. It is hanging on the fridge and there to remind me as well as encourage Brian to ask often. Accountability is important. So here goes.

DAY 1 (cue dramatic music that fades into a 007 theme song)..........................

Having a crazy gallbladder scared me from eating the crap I love. Actually that isn't true. I still ate most anything but I was very afraid to eat too much of it. The pain I knew could come was enough to slow me down. Those last few weeks before the surgery I hardly ate anything and that combined with the months leading up to it when I closely moniterred my diet I lost some weight. Not a ton but I noticed the difference and liked it. At the same time I felt uncomfortable about it. I kind of had this train of thought going on throughout the day about how it was only a matter of time before I'd get any chub back I had lost and just be back to normal. So it's no surprise that 2 months later I am back to my comfortable zone and I don't mean weight. Basically my weight hasn't drastically changed, maybe a few pounds up from the surgery but what I am talking about is just not trying, caring, or otherwise working towards a healthy diet. Self sabatosh is the word that comes to mind or at least a pathetic laziness when it comes to being healthy. Really I have to admit that when it comes to my diet I hold myself to no standard or in other words I succomb to my appetite with hardly any resistence. What is so ironic is that in so many other things in my life I take the opposite approach - strict obedience to what is best for myself and others around me so now as I write this it actually surprises me to think of how opposite I am when it comes to what I eat. Something is going on in my head, or my hormones, or my tummy. Whatever the case I can sum it up in a word: Sugar. In my mind that sounded more like SHUGA SHUGA SHUGA! I haven't always been this way. In fact, it has come and gone mostly in the last 4 years or shall I say during my most recent phase of life: make baby, grow baby, pop out baby, nurse baby, break.....and repeat. This is no diagnosis but it is a safe assumption that my most unstable part in that process is after I quit nursing - that's when I notice a true hormonal upheaval, especially this time around. I wonder if quitting cold turkey has contributed to the drastic emotional differences. Drastic for me anyway. What do I do when I'm in this state - it's simple actually. Feeling hormonal, feeling emotional > eat something yummy and keep eating it until it's gone. I have often thought in the last few months that it is amazing I am not 300 lbs. I'm not sure what I'm doing this for. This honesty isn't too hard but I have avoided quanitfying what I'm talking about because it is embarrassing. Jump! Alright yesterday I made a batch of choco chip cookies. I let Ryanna have 2 and Brian had a couple. That leaves me and they were all gone the same day. Saying it like that sounds so disgusting to me but during those hours or throughout that day it doesn't feel like a lot. In fact, the desire was never really satisfied. So what does this mean. I think it is obvious my body is used to having lots of sugar and so it expects it and I readily comply. Reason stands that with a period of time, days or weeks, of none of the usual sugar and junk that my body and desire could change and return to a better balance.

I gotta then ask myself. What freaks me out about eating healthier and ultimately having a trimmer body(tummy in particular)? I don't have an answer but putting it out there like it is in my mind is inviting a new voice to enter the conversation. Maybe a little voice can add some reason to these weird feelings. It wasn't anything I was willing to address before. Now I gotta ask a few things of myself.

#1. Visit my OB - figure out and learn more about hormonal health
#2. Make myself accountable by setting goals with Brian and keeping him informed on how I'm doing
#3. Do some research on sugar detoxing and how to get started

Love to the sleeping babes upstairs. Love to my superhero on a bus homebound. Love to God and my Savior. Love to myself for being honest and stepping in a healthy direction.

Hate to Admit it.....but maybe that's the first step toward change

There are only so many hours in a day and certainly not enough hours to spend any significant amount of time watching television. So true. SO TRUE! Unfortunately there are so many stinking shows that I really enjoy watching and some even that I make a point to record so I can watch them every week. These aren't every week but when the show is in the latest season, I am sure to record it and watch it. Here's the list:

Must watch
House
Ace of Cakes
Secret Life(embarrassed to admit that one)
Glee(new favorite)
LOST(final season insanity)

Usually catch
American Idol
Cake Boss
Biggest Loser
The Office
Community

Greatly enjoy but don't record so only catch occasionally
What Not To Wear
Say Yes To The Dress
Project Runway
Intervention
Hoarders
The Doctors
Dr. Oz
Let's Make a Deal

Reruns I get stuck on channel surfing
Everybody Loves Raymond
King of Queens
Seinfeld
Full House

Alright - that's enough self exposure. I think the thing about TV is that it is easy. It leaves you FEELING engaged but obviously little else is gained. It definitely fits in the "only in moderation" category. Looking over this list I realize how big a waste it all is. I am very strict with Ryanna - limiting her time watching TV but it's about time I set some boundaries for myself.

I love to laugh and I love to learn about other people's lives and coping mechanisms. Time to get that from the REAL people around me. :)

Love.

Papercut

At least that's all I can think it might be. There is a cut on the tip of my right index finger. Every stroke typing with that finger kind of makes me wince and say owwie. I really wanted to get on here and type but I can't get past this little pang of pain as I type. It pretty much makes ma a wimp but I honestly haven't thought of anything else I'd like to type about tonight. I think maybe it's getting infected for as sore as it is. Sigh. Guess I oughta bust out the antiseptic.

Confession. There is one soapbox I've thought about today: Daycare. That isn't the confession. The confession is that I started this blog to have a free place to express my feelings just how they are without thinking about anyone else really. Not to put anyone in any place. More just a place I can use a keyboard to clear my mind and use my mind and voice in a way that reminds me of the individual that I am. So to further my confession I have to admit I have already started editing myself just knowing my blog is not private and that it is in my name and linked to my profile along with our family blog. Well my gut says it's okay and necessary for me to let this be what I need it to be. So for now I'm gonna just take off the comments option. So this is a blog that the world could see if they really cared to but when I write it is just like it says: gotta write to get my mind back.

What a funny lady I am. That all was going to be an intro for me to vent about the daycare issue. A woman running a daycare here in Utah who abused children and her latest victim suffered brain damage. Makes me sick to say the least. I no longer feel the need to expand on that soapbox. What I really worked out was my issue with why I hesitated to take that on and a new resolve to keep with the original plan. Write for myself. Personal reminder of my individuality.

Great day: Q is taking his first steps!!! I'm not sure who is most excited about this development because we are all pretty excited about it. Now I gotta get the video camera out. It feels like Quinten is changing before my eyes and really growing up. Tonight when Bri got home we were all pretending to be scary cats. You heard me right. Ryanna, Bri, and I were all taking turns being scary. I went in the kitchen to do kitchenly things. Bri and Ryanna were still taking turns being scary. In a moment when they both quit, Quinten let out with a huge RRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!! He was so right there and part of the action. A little while later I was in on the living room floor with Ryanna on my lap after a stub of her toe. Quinten crawled over and climbed right up onto Ryanna chanting NA NA NA NA and planted a kiss right on her face. He adores her to no end, even when she isn't being quite so sweet in return. He is a special boy and from a very young age I could feel that one of his greatest strengths is to be happy and positive. It's like he instinctively sees the best in any situation. Already! I love him and enjoy every slobbery, boogery kiss.

Ryanna: I am amazed at how smoothly this round of potty training is going. Without detail I'll say she now proudly poops on the potty, a HUGE obstacle overcome. Every other time we tried I have to say, it was a struggle and definitly fit the description of "training" - this time it's like she just decided it was time and so very little training has been involved. I know certain roadbumps may come along the way but today especially I felt so proud of my girl. I knew she could do it, that she was capable. I was so frustrated at her unwillingness to try and haunted by a feeling like I was failing her somehow. Don't know what I mean or think that is silly?? Well I think it is just part of the parenthood mommy chip in our brain. Though unreasonable we often blaim ourselves or find normal complications to be a personal failure. That aside I can say I feel a great load off my shoulders and mommy chip mind having had 7 days in panties with only 1 accident in the last 4 days. It's also funny how that one thing (panties versus diapers) makes your child grow up a whole bunch, all of the sudden. She is using phrases I swear she didn't use before panties. Example: "Mother you may sit with me if you like." or "It's okay sweet Quinten boy. I'll take care of you." So the final plunge from toddler to little girl has taken place in the form of big girl panties. Everyday we talk about what we will do "when the snow melts." This spring will be full of walks, parks, and sunshine: these are a few of our favorite things! Yesterday Ryanna wore a pink summery spring outfit with Jeans on underneath. She is as starved for the spirit of spring as I am and I fully intend on enjoying it with my little colorful pink girl.

Hubby: I appreciate that I married a manly man. Some days not so much but today I really enjoyed it. We only had a few moments to connect but my favorite was tonight. He'd been home 20 minutes or so and had mostly spent that time playing with the kids on the floor. He'd finally plopped in the recliner and turned the TV on to relax. The kids were temporarily not climbing all over him so I sauntered over and asked him (with my eyes mind you, we rarely have to use words to communicate basic things;) if I could curl up on his lap. With a little nod I curled up on his lap. It was brief and it was simple but so nice. I love him so moments like that are rejuvinating, like a little payoff at the end of a day full of the blessed exhaustion of motherhood. We're a team and I still like to curl up on his lap for a hug. We also tried a round of rock paper scissors to see who would put the kids to bed. I didn't really tell him that was what it was for and I hadn't forseen that I would lose so it was disappointing to answer his question of what he had just won. That backfired - hehe.

Well I feel like I can go to bed now. Go join that snoring handsome guy. And I stand by my feeling that he and I are lucky to have each other. It's not enough to say that marriage isn't perfect or that it is a risk. Both statements are true. I know that elements of my future are out of my control but I can say with ease that today I don't have to search for the good or our accomplishments. Ryanna says her prayers without our help now. When I think of our prayertime before bed I smile. I truly am blessed with a beautiful family and I know it is at the hands of a loving Heavenly Father. Love to he and my brother Jesus Christ. Love to my handsome Bri. Love to two beautiful children. Love to myself this night. Lucky to have love and what do you know, I haven't thought about that papercut once in the last half hour I was writing.

I thought this blog would be a good idea for me. I've felt lately like a one trick pony, a mommy pony who mothers and cares for and entertains, and kisses pony booboos. You get the idea. It is pretty much the best one trick to have if you happen to be a one trick pony. It does leave me asking though why just the one trick. Why not a several trick pony or at least a 2 trick pony! This analogy amuses me but is getting a little nuts. Alright I'll just come out and say it. I feel like I've lost a few qualities that used to be integral parts of Kristin Scoffield Baldwin. The first is my memory. I didn't know it at the time but I used to have a very sharp memory, especially when it came to people, names, places, movie lines, great literature plots/characters/metaphors/moments....I loved being a student and flying by the seat of my pants when writing for an impending deadline. I always did that to myself and it almost always paid off - usually wrote my best papers under pressure.

I think I'm a great mom and am loving it. I need spring to come and come now. Getting some sun, fresh air, and exercise is bound to help clear up this cloud following me around. Love.

In a word...poop

It would be really easy to focus on the negative today since there were at least a dozen bodily fluid incidents including a screaming child clingy on for dear life to her panties that were tragically loaded with a giant poop. I could tell the story about how that was pretty much my fault but I'd rather just laugh now. The kids are in bed and we all survived with a few tears, several baths, and some chocolate cake. I'm surprised at the range of feelings I can have in a day or in the span of a minute. Total joy and hilarity and then the boredom and swamped feeling of the never ending messiness of the house. Not to mention the total lack of motivation to keep on top of things when literally not 2 minutes later a spic and span room can become a royal mess. That reminds me of something funny. Of course Ryanna is repeating anything we say, especially if it comes off in a way that she knows we shouldn't be saying it. Fortunately she mostly just corrects us - like using the taboo phrase Oh my gosh. She's been taught to use the exlamation oh my heavens but every so often Bri or I will say oh my gosh. We're promptly corrected with a disappointed look and reminder of "we say oh my heavens in this family." Alright back to the point. The other day I sighed and loudly exclaimed "this house is a royal mess!" Now on a daily basis Ryanna comments on the constant "royal mess" state of our home. It's funny but also a very unneeded reminder of my biggest nemesis: this dirty house!

Alright I'm gonna break away from wherever that was all going and try something I think would be good for me whenever I write a post. My favorites of the day.
FAVORITE Ryanna moments: a couple come to mind. Since Brian is out of town(in Cinci looking at a house we are buying) I rented us some redbox movies to ease the boredom. Ryanna sat on my lap and we watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs together. We sat in the recliner with her gigantic pink princess blanket on us and just laughed our heads off. That show is seriously hilarious and I think we'll put it on again tomorrow. I try to minimize the TV time but I also try to maximize the laughs around here sooooooooo why not get our dollars worth. Moment #2 shows her amazing ability to self entertain. She found a plastic bowl on the floor and experimented with watching it float to the floor dropping it through the bars halfway up the staircase. She squealed in excitement and would scream WEEEEEEE everytime as the bowl floated down. She is sooo bright and sunny. The soundtrack of her life includes lots of screaming, the insanely excited kind infused with giggles. It can pierce the ears and damage the hearing of the untrained but I try to focus on how beautiful that loud, enthusiastic approach to life is. After all I may have been an excited squealer of a child too! One more note is how much she adores her daddy. Brian called while she was laying with me in my bed before I had woke up. I told her we needed to go downstairs so I could get something for him. She ran to the stairs and called out for Bri. "Daddy!?!? I'm coming down to you!" I explained he wasn't in the house but she could talk to him on the phone. She's never liked talking on the phone and was very disappointed he wasn't home. Later she said out of nowhere "my dad will be here tonight for me." I explained he would actually be home tomorrow. Again a disappointed sigh. Finally we were getting ready for bed and she asked where dad was. We got out the map and looked at Ohio and where Cinci is. "I'm missing my dad. I'm missing my dad." Oh she is so sweet and says what she is thinking. No denying she loves Bri.

FAVORITE Quinten moments: His laugh!!!!! And today was full of laughs. Usually his laughs are directed at Ryanna but while Ryanna napped he and I spent about 30 straight minutes just rolling. Here's what we were doing: Quinten is experimenting with walking very short distances. I say it all the time: if Q wanted to, he could walk. He has the balance and strength. He just needs the confidence. So the laughter. He gets excited to the point of getting wound up and wild. His little limbs start moving and he gets excited like he could jump out of his own skin. This is how he gets when I encourage him to take steps on his own, to stand up unsupported, or walk between objects. So I was on all fours chasing him like a tiger and he was running holding on to the couch. When he would get to the edge he would take two or three quick little steps and throw himself onto Ryanna's chair, all the while laughing HYSTERICALLY. Once on the chair he would roll onto the ground and just chuckle uncontrollably. It was a moment I saw the toddler he is becoming and what a personality!! I was laughing hard myself and this only fed the frenzy. He even had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. It was a great moment. The next that comes to mind is a daddy moment. I was on the phone with Bri and Quinten was crawling all over me on my bed. I was telling Brian about our mega poop episode, something I'm sure he's relieved he missed out on but also that he got a laugh out of. Anyway, I put the phone up to Quinten's ear so he could hear his dad. Once Brian started talking he stopped and just laid there, a rarity for this boy. He just focused for a little bit and then started grinning. He looked over at me with an excited "mom, it's dad!" twinkle in his eye. Brian asked him something and when he paused Quinten let out a definite Aaaahhhhh as a reply. He did this twice - it was so precious! He started crawling around again. a few minutes later he crawled up on me again. He had the remote and was holding it up to his ear just like Mom with her phone. So many moments I just wanna take a bite out of him and just eat him up! All that baby chub and cuteness! I can't get enough. Like I said before Quinten finds Ryanna hilarious to the max. While she was launching the bowl from the stairs he squealed with laughter. She would climb up the stairs to where we were sitting and give him a quick kiss before throwing the bowl. While she screamed WEEEEEEE, Quinten clapped and kicked and practically jumped out of his skin(and my arms) with excitement. The bond between those two shocks me sometimes, it is already so strong. Quinten's favorite place in the whole house(except maybe the bathroom which he has very limited access to for obvious reasons) is Ryanna's room. He is like a human tornado in there. A tornado on Christmas morning. It goes something like this: dump this, rip that, chew this, climb that, OOOO a crayon to eat, whoa something shiny, wonder if I can climb on the bed and then onto the bookshelf, etc. Ryanna is a good sport considering the damage to her personal goods. I hear lots of "MOM MOM stop him!" though she usually lets him explore and dump, just not when it comes to her art set and notebook. He is such an exploer and persistent to no end. If you don't want him to get it, then it needs to be at least 4 feet off the ground. He's a real go getter that kid!

FAVORITE Bri moment: I could hear his love for Cinci as he described his day, the food, and finding the perfect view of the skyline to take pictures. He's only been gone a day and a half and as he listened to the kids play and laugh he said he felt like the kids had grown up in that day while he was gone like he was missing everything. I'm glad he felt like that, felt the pull to be WITH his family, experiencing the daily chaos and energy of having a young family. We've missed him and it's just not the same without him here. For the kids yes but he's still a daily part of my life, my thoughts, and my heart. My hard working, handsome honey.

FAVORITE Me moment: Of all the movies I could have rented for myself I picked HP 6. Not surprising but I'm glad I'm still a kid like that. I honestly can't wait to read my favorite childrens books to my kids!

Wow! TIme to call it a night. Love to my kids, my hubby, my Heavenly Father and brother Jesus Christ, and love to little ol' me too.

However yo usay it, being a mom is everything at once

I can't believe the range of emotions and feelings I ahve in one day. The most obvious and pervalent is love, for my husband yes but undeniably for my children always. It's an emotion that is always there, sometgimes on the surface and other times less obvious but always there. This presence is sometimes ironic and even my greatest source of guilt or confusion because in the same moment that I am feeling worried about the allergic reaction Ryanna is having I am also so frustrated that I am being ignored and so I snap a little. GIve her arm a little jerk or raise my voice in that way that I know she'll understand I am upset. Not my best moments and almost always the ones I regret immediately, not to mention the tears that well in her eyes. She is smart enough and has vocabulary enough now to call me out on these moments. Mom, be nice! It's like a repramand and I honestly feel it. I guess what it comes down to is that I am not the suprememly patient and perfect parent I used to think I was. One thing is for sure though(well two if you count that I am not perfect): I love these kids more than my heart has room to process. Or at least more than I know how to write. I have to write though. It's time I think to write again. Like a journal only less about the me who focused on me and more the me who mostly thinks about her family but needs to think a little about me too so I am starting this blog. PHEW that was a run on sentence!! You probably didn't catch what the heck I meant but then again if the you I'm referring to is myself then yes, I understand perfecttly and that is the point. Love to my kids. Love to my hubby. Love to my Heavenly Father and brother Jesus Christ. Love to myself too.